Friends Don't Let Friends Move to L.A.

I rarely try to influence my friends in most things. Over the years I've learned it's ultimately futile, not to mention dull, to attempt to convince people of something, no matter how true I might think it is. Besides, differing opinions make the world go around, and all that stuff.

Lately I've been reminding myself of this philosophy a dozen times a day, as a friend in Maine recently informed us she is determined to move to Los Angeles as soon as she can. Now, anyone who knows me even slightly, or who may have read my writing or listened to my music, knows that whenever I hear the words "Los Angeles" I reach for my gun. It's my trademark running gag: hardly a day goes by that I don't tell myself (and anyone who will listen) how glad I am to be out of that hellhole. And honestly, I rarely encounter significant opposition to such fulminating. As anyone knows who has done more than take the Universal Studios tour, or spend a few days sunbathing down San Diego way, the urban core of Los Angeles is a festering sore, a war zone of racial tension, over-population, air pollution, and transit nightmares. It is a giant wannabe-metropolis which due to its wealth, media influence, and population could ostensibly be included among the great cities of the world, but nonetheless rarely if ever is. Ask it if it cares.

My attitude toward L.A. is no capricious prejudice: In the more than thirty years I lived there, I researched and wrote extensively about its politics, culture, and sociology. As a native Angeleno, my feeling about the place was always somewhat ambivalent -- I'd spent time in Europe, in Mexico, and in various other parts of the U.S., and it was obvious all along that Southern California could not compete in any way with any of those places. There was just too much wrong with it -- too many problems, new and old, historical and developmental, to solve. In retrospect, I suppose I was trying to convince myself that there really was something to love about L.A., but in the end I had to admit I couldn't, though it certainly wasn't for lack of trying.

So I have never minced words when an unsuspecting stranger brings up the subject. I feel justified in stating the case as forcibly as possible; I've paid my dues, just like anyone else who managed to survive several decades in a war zone.

Our friend presently lives in an 18th-century farmhouse on Maine's central coast, where she's been for the past decade. We've spent many a grand weekend there: cooking and eating too much, exploring the picturesque geography, gardening, antiquing, enjoying the fall foliage. Perhaps not surprisingly, the backwoodsy aspect of life in a small hamlet, which so enchanted Eric and me, eventually got to our friend, as did the long, relentless northern winters. She had also lost her lover, who died, totally unexpectedly, of a heart attack in the bedroom upstairs -- an event which for three years she struggled heroically to understand and to move on from. Maybe it was inevitable that she'd want a change of scene. But still, when one day she suddenly announced in an e-mail that she was looking at condos in Pasadena and Highland Park, north of downtown Los Angeles, and was putting the farmhouse up for sale, it was a considerable shock. Our friend, while she spent her youth in the San Francisco Bay area, knew nothing about Los Angeles. She had made a snap decision to move there during a brief visit, after having a genial chat with people waiting in line at the Eagle Rock Trader Joe's store. Her naivete about conditions in urban L.A. was just as chilling. "I will look in the Pasadena area," she had written us initially, enthusing over Pasadena's "low crime, no gangs, good schools and good neighborhoods." I wondered if she'd ever heard of South Pasadena, one of the most gang-infested areas in the metro region. Not to mention the fact that Pasadena is located in the smoggiest part of the smoggiest metro area in the country. I wondered, frankly, which planet she was on.

The other day I drove through a typically scenic part of the North Shore. It was a classic Eastern coastal late- summer day -- rather humid, but sunny and clear, with a cornflower blue sky and puffy white clouds. A thick green tunnel of oak, maple, hickory, walnut, and tulip trees arched overhead, creating delicious shade that made using the air conditioner optional and flung rippling light and dark patterns on the windshield. Life here is not perfect -- is it perfect anywhere? -- but I couldn't help contrasting my surroundings, driving on a summer day down State Route 25A, the North Shore's Main Street, with an equivalent drive down Sunset Boulevard in L.A. Admittedly, Long Island at its worst is rather bland, with its mid-Island cookie-cutter residential developments and nondescript shopping centers; but at its best (which I personally think can be pinpointed in an area of the North Shore from around Miller Place in the east, west to the Nassau County border in Cold Spring Harbor) it combines picturesque scenery, historical resonance, and homelike comfort in a way that is completely seductive, at least to a refugee from an urban war zone like L.A.'s Rampart Division. Living in L.A., I never had a chance to take a deep breath -- literally or figuratively. The relative equilibrium of life in the Silver Lake hills was punctuated at regularly irregular intervals by riots, earthquakes, gang mayhem, and fires brought on by the Santa Ana winds. Danger was ever-present, even if it sometimes went in disguise. For me, Los Angeles existed in an ongoing state of blanket denial; the television weather forecasters always smiling big, vacant smiles and announcing that "today looks like another perfect day" -- 98 degrees and 85% humidity, visibility six miles (in reality, more like one or two miles on account of the chronic air pollution). An earthquake may have decimated one's stock of heirloom glassware, or damaged one's house to the point of uninhabitability, but the mantra was usually "look on the bright side: this gives you a chance to start over fresh, in a new place with new stuff!"

I have resolved not to say anything to our friend about her decision. It's her life, not mine. But I can't help wondering how she'll view that life, that decision, in a few months, a year or two -- however long it takes for the initial euphoria to wear off and the reality set in. For a relatively affluent middle-aged person who has no need to depend on the local economy for survival -- especially if it's possible to dash off on a vacation whenever conditions become even slightly uncomfortable -- it might not be so bad. But anyone who lives there long enough becomes adept at recognizing the twilight state of love-hate, rejection-acceptance in which many Angelenos exist. Nobody in their right mind truly loves the place; at best, they enjoy certain aspects of living there. Only the rawest of new arrivals babble like newly initated cult members about how wonderful it is. The lifers know much better.

Personal Holiday

I woke up this morning with a little rush of excitement -- today is my birthday. No matter how many times that event rolls around (and that's a lot), I always feel like a kid on the morning of my birthday. As a friend once described it, birthdays are your personal holiday, a day to hold your head up and remind the world -- subtly or otherwise -- that it should be celebrating today because that was the day you came into it. It also gives you the moral right -- legitimately -- to hold people up and demand loot, and make them feel guilty if they don't stand and deliver.

I went into the living room to check my e-mail, the way I always do, and found a cute homemade birthday card on the desk. My significant other spent hours working on it last night as I pretended not to notice. Sure, he saved two or three bucks by drawing it on the computer instead of braving the dreaded local Hallmark store, but it admittedly was highly personalized, with squiggly computer drawings of a Blue Jay, an Oriole, and a Blue Fronted Amazon parrot (three favorite birds of mine). It was thoughtful, too: as I read it, I heard a soft chip and little feet skittering on the windowsill above my head, and looking up I spied the vivid red beak and equally red topknot of a Cardinal peeking over the sill at me. Mr. Sweetie had designed his card with the realization that his birthday sentiments would be accompanied by live greetings from breakfasting avians at the window feeder. Corny, maybe, but charming.

There was an e-mail from my oldest friend in California, saying she had sent me something for my birthday and apologizing because I probably wouldn't receive it by today. I could hardly blame her; she's legally blind and flat broke, and is presently living a distinctly un-holidaylike lifestyle in an RV with her husband, moving from campsite to parking lot and back again. Oh, and as if that isn't enough to excuse her, she also has a rare blood cancer. Under the circumstances, her gift, whatever it might be, will be very special indeed.

Next I checked Facebook, that abysmal and dubious timesink. As usual, everyone was taking online quizzes to determine what color crayon they were, or how many composers of one-hit wonder Top 40 singles from the '70s they could correctly ID. Apparently no one had time to wish me happy birthday, not even the gregarious souls who had requested permission to include my birthdate in their address books. Phooey on them; I know what color crayon they are in my book: poot brown. Actually, one friend on FB (whom I know from real, as opposed to virtual, life) did claim last week that he wanted to send me "something" -- a statement I won't be able to verify until the next time I check my PO box. In "real" life this friend is a probation/parole officer, so maybe the item in question isn't a birthday present, but a summons.

I always liked the custom in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy whereby the hobbits gave presents to other people on their own birthdays. This year my "present" to someone else is the return of two CD's to a friend from whom I borrowed them last year. Since he asked me rather firmly to give them back, and offered to come and pick them up, maybe it isn't really a present, per se, but I'm sure he'll appreciate it, since he probably figured he'd never see them again.

In the long run, I suppose what happens to us on our birthdays reflects everything else in our lives -- the type of people that surround us, our own attitudes, our actions toward others. Admittedly I have some flaky friends who can never remember when I was born -- they know who they are -- but so what? That doesn't detract one Angstrom from the quality of my life. Of course it would have been exhilarating to have been greeted this morning by a full-orchestral birthday fanfare under my bedroom window, but there's always next year. OK, deadbeats, mark that date in your Facebook friends-info list. You have 364 days to get on it, and you will be held accountable!

Cold, Cold, Cold

I never get sick, so the nasty cold I've had lately is something of a novelty. I woke up a couple of mornings ago with a head that felt like a waterlogged pumpkin. My eyes resembled two tiny, bleary red brake lights on some superranuated Humpmobile, and when I caught sight of myself in the bathroom mirror (matted hair, mysterious secretions exuding from my nose, filthy teeth) I winced and screamed, only to realize my voice sounded like Tennessee Ernie Ford's. I spent a woozy but entertaining half hour among the echoing tiles, experimenting with "Many Brave Hearts Are Asleep in the Deep". It was a dream come true -- I've always wanted to sing bass.

All day I lay in bed, wiping my nose on one of Eric's old T-shirts and trying to persuade myself I was going to be OK by evening. All night I tossed and turned, and in the morning I was nauseous and exhausted. Some people watch TV when they're sick in bed; not me. TV makes me sick. Instead, I tried to read a library book which I'd been holding in reserve, unwilling to expose my delicate sensibilities to its horrific subject matter. Now, though, it fit my mood perfectly: "Secrets of the Spanish Inquisition." There's something about Spain -- when I was in Europe I cut short my time in Spain after a quick pass through Catalonia. The landscape reminded me too much of Southern California, and virtually everything served in cafes and restaurants tasted like rancid anchovies and fifth-pressing olive oil. And there was nothing to drink but vile sherry. Time to move on to France where I couldn't afford anything in cafes and restaurants, but at least it smelled better. And there hadn't been a French Inquisition, at least that I knew of.

But back to my cold. By 10 A.M. on the second day, I no longer sounded like Tennessee Ernie, but more like Connie Francis on a helium rush. I hadn't eaten anything in 36 hours because everything tasted like library paste. Reluctantly I decided I probably ought to find some nostrum to clear my throat. A woozy jaunt to the local Walgreen's revealed a dazzling array of "Mucus Relief" products. They were from numerous manufacturers, but all seemed to contain the same active ingredient, guaifenesin (whatever the heck that is -- probably best not to know). Prices tended to vary widely, from around $7 all the way up to $25. I grabbed the cheapest box I could find and took it up to the checkout counter. The clerk, who looked suspiciously like an excommunicated member of the Pagans motorcycle gang, took an awfully long time to ring up the sale. He kept peering at me out of the corner of his eye, and sort of smirking. I had no idea what a lowlife like him could possibly find so humorous -- until I caught a glimpse of myself in the plate glass window on my way out: hair on its way to dreadlocks, snot-stained jacket sleeve, red eyes, feverish shuffle. Maybe he thought I was Amy Winehouse in a red fright wig. Anyway, high time to get off the streets.

Safe back home, I washed down my horse pill with a slug of no-brand vodka, then settled down to read the local weekly throwaway. When I got to the gossip column and was confronted with a semi-full-page closeup of Madonna and A-Rod hunting for an East End love nest, I launched into a coughing fit that landed me on the floor. The mucus remedy advertised itself as making "coughs more productive", which struck me as the ultimate capitalist notion -- in an economy like this, who can afford deadbeat coughs lollygagging around the office all day on company time? After a few more bouts of violent hacking accompanied by even more violent abdominal muscle cramps, I finally realized I should quit looking at the newspaper.

So here I am, with my cough working overtime. Not sure exactly what it's producing, but now my voice is almost entirely gone. If I go a few more days without eating, I suppose the Amy Winehouse analogy will be complete. Oh well, look on the bright side -- at least I'll never be mistaken for Madonna.

Dark Horse Dub

I remember seeing my first "1/20/09" bumpersticker shortly after George W. Bush re-elected himself to the White House in 2004. That date, of course, referred to the inaugural day of Bush's successor -- holding out the faint hope that if America could somehow manage to survive for another four years, there might yet be light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, four years ago nobody had the faintest idea who Bush's successor was going to be. Some of us, admittedly, had recurrent nightmares about dour old men with military haircuts sitting on shady tropical verandas, drinking rum and Coke out of tumblers while liveried natives created a pleasant breeze with coco-palm fans. Let's face it, you didn't have to be a bomb-throwing anarchist to fear a total military coup in this country; between Bush's solipsistic electoral machinations, the arrogant hijinks of "Mr. Torture" Alberto Gonzales and the new sport that was sweeping the nation, waterboarding -- not to mention the Katrina debacle, the Wall Street bailout, and the general collapse of the economy -- America already looked suspiciously like a banana republic. In those dark days I was often reminded of Anatole France's comment that fascism is merely capitalism with the fig leaf of democracy removed. Trying desperately to look forward into some sort of redemptive future, we reminded ourselves that no one could be worse than Dubya -- only to witness the McCain-Palin tag team in action.

But now the fateful day of January 20 is finally upon us, and once again there is laughter and music in the streets. For the first time in American history, a man of color (the first, ahem, legitimate electee in eight years) will be ensconced on Pennsylvania Avenue. That the world changes, albeit slowly, is evident when you consider that our fortieth President, Ronald Reagan, once insisted on including restrictive covenants in the deeds to his residential properties which prohibited them from being sold to non-Caucasians. What would the Gipper have thought about Barack Obama, a Negro, sitting at his former desk in the Oval Office?

In the coming days and months, after the hats and hooters have been discarded and the champagne corks and confetti swept away, we will see what Barack Obama's policies will be. Many of us, while cautiously optimistic, can't help wondering how clean a sweep our new President will be willing to make. As badly as we need a new New Deal, some observers are already convinced Obama isn't likely to be a 21st-century FDR. For myself, I'm willing to set aside whatever reservations I might have and give him the benefit of the doubt. At any rate, next Tuesday will certainly be a much brighter day than its counterparts in 2001 or 2005 ever were.

Hello, Imaginary Friends

Since this is (theoretically) my first post, welcome to my blog. Although I've been online since 1996, I've never undertaken a "real" blog before -- not because of any reticence on my part to spill my guts all over my computer screen, but because I don't want to be a hypocrite. I don't make a habit of reading other people's blogs, so why should I expect anyone to read mine? The cyber-universe is critically overloaded with people who are passionately deluded that they have something to say; the last thing it needs is yet another rationalizer. Well, here I am, you lucky folks.

"When your best friends are fictional, honesty isn't what you really need." On the internet, everyone's friends are imaginary by definition. I don't know who you might be, dear reader, but hello anyway. Caveat lector; but I do promise to try to make things interesting. Quality is cheerfully guaranteed, or your money back.

(Panel from Zippy daily strip by Bill Griffith -- www.zippythepinhead.com)